Religion Jokes!!

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven.
St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?".

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
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There once was a young lady who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

She said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

So she asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face..."
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This guy dies and goes to hell.
Once he gets to the gates there is a Matr'D there waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled but went on with his eternity and walked in.

"How was your trip? Not too hard on ya I hope." said the Matr'D.

"It was OK." said the guy still a little puzzled.

"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."

"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy completely confused.

"Yes?" said the Matr'D.

"This is hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or something."

"Well...heaven has greater and better things than us down here, but they are basically the same thing." said the Matr'D.

Still puzzled the guy continues to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT is THAT??"

"Oh that." said the Matr'D nonchalantly, "That is the quote 'fire and brimstone' room. Eh it's for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."
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Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer.
The disagreement goes on for a few hours until they decide to hold a contest to determine the winner. They ask God to be the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. However, seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes taking our the electricity. Moments later the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly shaken and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well then," says God, "Let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life in a vivid display of graphics and colours, and the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles and says, "Everybody knows... JESUS SAVES."
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A priest was driving along the highway, when he saw the nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a sexy leg. The priest looks and nearly misses an accident. After changing gear his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129."

The priest apologises and removes his hand, but unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear he ogles at her legs with sparkles in his eyes, this time he again lets the hand slide up the leg.

The Nun once again says: "Father, remember Psalm 129."

Once again the priest apologises, "Sorry, sister, but you know the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. As he arrives at the church he rushes to the Bible and looks up Psalm129, it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK FURTHER UP, YOU WILL FIND GLORY."
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This guy dies and goes to hell. Once he gets to the gates there is a Matr'D there waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled but went on with his eternity and walked in. "How was your trip? Not too hard on ya I hope." said the Matr'D. "It was OK." said the guy still a little puzzled.
"Well OK here's the grand tour." the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the back there is an all night restaurant filled with all the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready to do your every bidding and of course the food is great also."

"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy completely confused. "Yes?" said the Matr'D. "This is hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or something." "Well...heaven has greater and better things than us down here, but they are basically the same thing." said the Matr'D. Still puzzled the guy continues to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT is THAT??" "Oh that." said the Matr'D nonchalantly, "That is the quote 'fire and brimstone' room. Eh it's for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."
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Three nuns sneaked out of the convent to a chip shop, not being allowed to leave the convent they decided to hide the evidence and put the chips down their knickers.

They got back to their rooms in the convent and pulled the chips out of their underwear.

''Funny'' One nun said ''I don't remember putting tomato sauce on these!''
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After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole' boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning.

He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put 5000 dollars in that there collection plate."

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
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One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.
"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says.

And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.
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There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"
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There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound. After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died. When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name. The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."
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Maria is a devout Catholic. (No condoms for her!) She gets married and has 17 children...and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later...and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, "At last...they're finally together." A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

"No," the priest says politely, "I mean her LEGS."
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One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodelling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodelling!"
The one nun said, "Well, we're dead and we can't go back." "Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun.

"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun. "Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc." Poof! The first nun becomes Joan of Arc.

"Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?" "Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. Poof! The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe.

"Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." "Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun. St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter.

"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."

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