Long Jokes!!

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket.
(He does) Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket.
(He does) Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
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A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?" The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "About three minutes ago."
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One dismal, rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolls to a stop at the curb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear-view mirror as he pulls away, he is startled to see a wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?", he stammers, taking a long glance into the rear-view. "Union Station," answers the woman. The woman catches him staring at her and demands, "Just what in the hell are you looking at, mister?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and without a purse, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spreads her legs, puts her feet up on the front seat, smiles at the driver and says, "Does THIS answer your question?" Taking another look in the mirror, the cabbie asks, "Got anything smaller?"
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One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea." The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."
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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes remember it well dear." replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
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A boy named Robert was in school, he asks his teacher if he could go to the bathroom she said sure, thus he went to the bathroom and he went poop, but there was no toilet paper, so he wipes his butt with his hand. He comes into class with his hand in a fist the teacher asks Robert what is in his hand, he said: "Its a little leprechaun if I open my hand it will run away!" She asks him again and he replies "Its a little leprechaun if I open my hand it will run away!" She said "OK Robert I'm gonna send you to the principals office!" At the principal office, the principal asks Robert the same question and again he said "It's a little leprechaun if I open my hand it will run away!" The principal got very angry and sent Robert home immediately. Robert got home and his mother said "Robert what is in your hand?" and once again he said "Its a little leprechaun if I open my hand it will run away!" She said "OK Robert I'll let your father deal with you when he gets home but for now go to your room!" Robert's father comes home he asks the same question and again Robert said "It's a little leprechaun if Ii open my hand it will run away!" His father was very angry and shouted "ROBERT WHAT IS IN YOUR HAND!!!!!!!!" Finally, Robert opens his hand and says "SEE DAD YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!"
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A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there." The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes." The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, who's the cook. The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." The waiter thinks the blind guy is fucking with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your snatch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey, I didn't know Mary worked here."
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There was a bear and a rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr.. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The man replied, "I agree with you completely. "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odours that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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Two paedophiles were walking down the street one-day when they came across a pair of small lacy knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aha... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
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There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?" "Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you." "OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?" "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
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A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbour was called as a witness.
The defence attorney asked,
"Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"
" No sir," answered the man.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir."
"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh - excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"
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A visiting professor is giving a seminar on the supernatural at Texas A&M. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Damn...from back there I thought you said goats".
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and to tell it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Frank, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Frank walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Frank had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," said Frank. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Frank, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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Kevin and Peter are hiking in the woods. Kevin gets bitten on the pecker by a snake. Peter goes to get a doctor, but the doctor was busy delivering a baby. The doctor tells Peter his friend will be OK if the poison is sucked out. Peter walks back slowly to his friend and says to him
"Well Kevin, after talking to the doctor.....he said.......he said that......."
"Well what the hell did he say!!"
Kevin cries out in pain. "He said............ you're gonna die."
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There were these two twins, Timmy and Tommy. On Christmas morning, the two of them come scampering down the stairs and find 81 presents under the tree. They begin dividing them up and find that Timmy has 80 presents while Tommy only has one. Timmy begins opening his presents. He gets action figures. He gets video games. He gets movies. Tommy opens his present, and it's one brand new, shiny red tricycle. Timmy starts tearing through his next forty presents. There's a computer. There's a skateboard. There's even friggin' keys to a brand new car! Meanwhile, Tommy gets on his tricycle and starts riding it in little circles in the corner of the room. Finally Timmy gets to his last present. He tears off the wrapping, and it's the exact same tricycle as Tommy got. He looks up at Tommy and says, "Ha ha, I've got eighty presents, and you've only got one." Tommy looks up from his tricycle and says, "Ha ha, I don't have cancer!"
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A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?" "He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."
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The teacher looks out the window and points to a bank, and asks the class what kind of building it is. Little Johnny, always first in, shoots his hand up and shouts "It's a brothel." "No", the teacher says, "it's a bank." The next day the teacher looks out the window and points at a bridge, and asks the class what kind of structure it is. Little Johnny again shouts out "It's a brothel." " No", says the teacher, "it's a bridge." The next day the teacher rounds up the girls in the class and explains to them that she's sick of Little Johnny's rude comments and the next time he shouts out anything rude, they all must get up and walk out of the classroom. The teacher looks out the window and points to a hospital and asks the class what kind of building it is. Without any hesitation Little Johnny shouts "It's a brothel." With that, all the girls get up and proceed to walk out of the classroom. Little Johnny screams "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU SLUTS GOING?? IT'S NOT EVEN OPEN YET!!"
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One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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