Little Johnny Jokes!!

Q: "Johnny, can you use "indefinitely" in a sentence?"
A: "Sure! When my balls are slapping up against her ass, I'm in . . . definitely!"
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Little Johnny is the brightest kid in his class, and finishes way ahead of all the other kids during a maths test. To stop him from disturbing any of the other children the teacher says "Johnny, you are so clever that I'm going to ask you an extra question. There are five birds are on a wall. You're armed with a shotgun and you shoot one of them. How many are left?" "None." says Johnny. "What do you mean, none?" says the teacher. "Well, one falls dead, and the others fly away because of the noise." explains Johnny. "Ahhh, well done Johnny. I would have said four, but I like the way you're thinking." answers the teacher. Twenty minutes later, Johnny raises his hand. "Miss! Miss!" "Yes, Johnny?" "Now, can I ask you a question?" "Please do." "Miss, thee girls are standing next to an ice-cream van, and they've all got ice creams. One is licking it, the one is biting is, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?!" The teacher looks a bit embarrassed and says: "Err, hm, I don't know Johnny. The one who, er...is sucking it?" "No, Miss!" says Johnny "The one with a ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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Little Johnny wakes up three nights in a row after hearing a thumping sound coming from his parents' room. Finally one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises, and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mum is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...um.... well I'm bouncing on his tummy because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy thought for a moment and said, "Nahhh, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" The boy replied, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day, and blows him back up!"
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike!I need a bike!"
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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello Class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Little Johnny gets to his desk, the teacher asks him what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and then says, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right." she coaxed.
Then after a few second, Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck it?"
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out: "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
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Little Johnny's mom was trying to clean the house one day but Johnny would come right behind her and just make another mess. His mom told him to go next door and play at the construction site. She said he may learn something as well.

After about three hours, he returns home. His mom asked if he learned anything while he was there. He said, "yes maam"!

She asked what and he replied, "well, I learned that the damn door don't hang that way it goes the other way, and the dirt pile doesn't go there, the son of a bitch goes over there, and somebody ordered the wrong fucking windows".

His mom immediately told him to go to his room until his father comes home.

Later his dad came home and after the mother informing him of what took place, he called him down and asked what he said.

"I told mom that the damn door don't hang that way, it goes the other way. And that the dirt pile doesn't go there, the son of a bitch goes over there, and somebody ordered the wrong fucking windows".

His Dad was highly upset. He explained that they didn't use that kind of language in the house. He told the boy to march himself outside and get a switch.

Little Johnny turned to his dad and said "Fuck you, that's the electricians job"!
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One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first. Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."

Ritchie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."

Confused, the teacher asked why.

Johnny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Friday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Fri......day"

"Does anyone know another word?"

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

Jokes Index