BLONDE JOKES!!

One day a blonde, brunette, and a red head found a genie bottle while hiking. The blonde rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
He said, "I will grant you each 1 wish" The genie also stated that you have to jump off the mountain while making your wish.
So the brunette went first. "I wish I was a bird" so she jumped off the cliff and turned into a beautiful bird and fly away.
The red head went next. "I wish I was an angel" So she jumped off the cliff and turned into a lovely angel and fly away.
Now it was the blonde's turn as she was making the wish she fell off the cliff and yelled, "Shit!" so she turned into a pile of smelly shit!
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Blonde's Cooking Diary :-

Monday:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden?

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose
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This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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A blond, a brunette and a red head go to a party. The cops come to raid the party, so the three girls jump into potato sacks.

The cops come to the potato sack with the brunette, they kick it and she says "woof" so, they say, oh it's just a dog.

They go to the one with the red head in it, they kick it and she says "meow" they say, oh it's just a cat.

They go to the blonde and kick it she says "potato"
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There were 11 women holding on to a rope hanging from the helicopter which had rescued them. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
The pilot yelled to them that one person should let go of the rope, or the rope might break and everyone would die.

They couldn't decide who should go until finally the brunette volunteered to make the sacrifice. She gave a very moving speech, saying she would let go to spare her friends.

Even before she could release her grip, all the blondes started clapping...
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A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair black and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes.
She drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted a sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in your field, will you give me a sheep?" He said "Sure!" She counted and said "131." The farmer said, "That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep." The blonde went and got her sheep.

Then, the farmer said, "If I tell you what colour your hair really is, can I have it back?" and she said, "Yes."

"Blonde. Now give me back my dog."
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80,000 blondes meet in Dublin for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The compeer says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer?" One blonde steps up. The compeer says to her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The compeer says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?" The compeer sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying and 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The compeer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four." Around the stadium 80,000 girls start yelling "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
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A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least £4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.

She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbour came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tail pipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbour.

"Why not?" asked the first blonde.

"Because you've got to roll up the windows first!"
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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave." he replied.
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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

"Sorry about, that, "replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
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"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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After travelling a few blocks, a blonde realizes she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten pounds already," she said.

The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror.

"That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."

"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five pounds."
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A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.

Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff.

The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
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A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.

The Brunette says "I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex."

The Redhead replied "I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex."

Then the Blond says hysterically "Oh my God, I am going to have puppies!"
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Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery begins.

Judy drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Buffy. Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffy said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Judy. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
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Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

Q: Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow her horn.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs more than 25 pence to use a telephone.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.
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A blonde goes into a worldwide message canter to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her £300, she exclaims," I don't have any money. I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"

With that the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."

She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."

She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, Mom?"
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One day while on patrol a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding ma'me.....could I see your drivers license...?

"...Whats a license...???" replied the blonde instantly, giving away the fact that she was as a stump. Its usually in your wallet... replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes the driver managed to find it. Now may I see your registration...? Asked the cop. Registration....whats that...? asked the blonde. Its usually in your glove compartment, said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling she found the registration. I'll be back in a minute.. the cop said and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the womans license and registration. After a few moments the dispatcher came back. Ummm is this woman driving a red sports car? Yes....Replied the officer. Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde? asked the dispatcher. Uh...Yes replied the cop. Here's what you do.....said the dispatcher. Give her stuff back and drop your pants. WHAT!!!? I cant do that. It's... inappropriate... exclaimed the cop. Trust me... just do it. said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... Ohh no......not ANOTHER breathalyzer....